I’m avoiding my mother,

My father came by this morning to speak to me,

It was the most conversation about life me and my father ever have had,

and it made me happy,

though it hurt me to be letting out all these anger issues and what not.

Before I could come clean with some things,

a customer calls out “Cash Out”,

I procede to clear out the customer’s points on the machine while dad clears a stuck bill on another one.

I go outside for a smoke,

He comes out and I can’t even talk straight and I tell him

“I know you’re mad that I smoke cigarettes and weed now,”
He intervenes “No, I’m not mad. You’re an adult now and it’s your life, and it’s your mother and my influence that caused it.”
I reply, “No, it’s not just that. It’s medicinal… there’s a reason I’ve shrunk drastically in my weight in 2 months.”

(I’ve gone from a 2XL too an XL which loosely fit now, but I had been for the most part since Spring, a size 2x.There’s  a reason I shaved my head. I smoke to control my appetite so I can eat, most days I have to pretend to like what I’m eating, and force it down. Even my most favorite foods, I can’t stomach.)

….. “I’ve lost weight, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat so I smoke to get hungry. And my hand’s always hurt now, they either lock up or the nerves flare in pain.”

He looks at me with a concerned face, and my dad’s face is usually stoic at all times.

So I told my dad what’s wrong with my health,

but I don’t have an official opinion from a doctor, just a nurse,

and whatever I’ve researched online.

All signs point to multiple sclerosis.

Chronic Paresthesia (the pain in my hands, it can’t be carpal tunnel because it’s both hands, and my sister has rheumatoid arthritis and my dad has similar hand problems),

but I also have

Weight loss

Metabolism problems

Insomnia

Manic Depression

Nosebleeds

Equilibrium imbalance

We’ll try to figure out what’s wrong with me.

I hate bothering my parent’s with money,

but this is serious.

But still,

I’m avoiding my own mother,

I can’t stand her,

she’s condescending, unsupportive, cynical,

but at least my dad know’s why I’ve been such a dick with my attitude and emotions.

Being in pain 24/7 isn’t easy.